...Treading Water...

So I haven't been on to blog in a while, life has been busy and my anxiety and depression have really kicked in lately. I  sleep so much lately because of my depression and think way too much about stuff. At times taking care of Cierra seems so much harder because of how I'm feeling and I feel bad for her because she can tell that something isn't right with me. But I just keep praying that she stays happy and forgives me for where I've been slacking.

I stress so much about our finances and what's going to happen next in our lives...I just don't know if we can make it. Actually I really don't think we can. I have been pounding the pavement looking for a job the last month and haven't heard anything really, I think I'm starting to annoy some of the places by calling them so much. But I have such high anxiety because of this which causes my depression to kick in and it's just not a good thing. I'm so tired of paying one bill and not paying another and so on to keep moving forward. I'm so afraid we are going to end up back in a homeless shelter and I haven't told Dave the severity of my fears because I don't want him to have to worry about it, he's already stressed out enough with work...so I keep it all in. I just don't know how much longer I can take it alone.

Also I ended up making a decision, I accepted God into my life, and I know he will take care of us, somehow. It's just hard to put all my faith in him. I'm so scared for what's going to happen here and I feel I have no one to talk to. I don't want to tell my parents because my Mom would just get mad at me for getting in over our heads and I don't want to tell my Dad because he usually offers to help, but I can't keep taking from him, I've already taken too much. They can't afford to help us all the time. I'm just so stressed, I think I already said, but I can't even explain. It's so bad that I wake up in the middle of the night having panic attacks, I just pray that God will see us through.

I just need to keep telling myself that...